Reader Question: 29-Year-Old Virgin

Hi,

I am currently a 29 year old man and I am still a virgin. I am not religious at all and I have had a few opportunities in my life to have sex but every time I declined it for different reasons. My question is, because I have never had sex before, when I do have sex for the first time, how would the lack of sexual experience affect me mentally and physically? Also, is there anything I can do so that my first sexual experience will be a good one for me and for her? Thank you very much!

Sincerely,
Cole

Cole, what a great questions and bravo to you for being so mindful and aware of how your emotional, physical, sexual, mental selves are all connected.  In the land of virginity, you are not alone at your age and I will say that as we age our sexuality continues to evolve, mature and we see it differently.  Hence you being mindful of you, your potential partner and the experience you will have.

Starting with your sexual experiences, we often have had more sexual experiences than we realize when we broaden our definition of sexual experiences (i.e. foreplay, touching, masturbation).  Also, we have our sexual history that includes what we were taught both directly or indirectly in our home, at school, from peers, and/or our religious leaders.  So the impact of sexual intercourse mentally and emotionally will vary greatly depending on what you are bringing to the experience.  Do you have certain expectations for you, your partner, the experience?  Are you comfortable with your sexuality? Are there any parts of your sexualty that you are not comfortable with?  Physically, do you understand how your body works?  Do you know how the female body works?

Now with your first night. There is so much pressure and emphasis and what should and shouldn’t happen on a first night that it can take away from just being present and open to the experience as it happens.   Most of the time reality is a lot messier, complex, and satisfying than our “idea” of what we thought it would be.

You didn’t learn to ride a bike the first time you hopped on.  You probably crashed and burned several times, and yet you still got back on.  You probably didn’t play the piano very well the first time you sat down, or could swim across the pool without a lot of lessons and small failures along the way.  This new intimate life of yours isn’t going to be any easier.  This is something you will have to learn and experience as you go.

Being thoughtful about the other person, showing patience, and being open can help make the moment feel  relaxed and comfortable — instead of a rushed experience. The key is being there for each other not just doing it with each other. You are human beings not just human doings.  Good luck with your ongoing sexual journey!

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