“Not interested in the real intimate aspects of the relationship”

We received a question from one of our readers:

What advice could be given to married couple who are for the most part fine in all aspects of the relationship but the wife isn’t interested in the real “intimate” aspects of the relationship and the husband is feeling like because she isn’t doing those things she isn’t interested in him?

Well first off, I think it’s helpful (and hopeful) to know that neither you nor your husband are alone yet at times I’m sure you both feel very much alone so thank you for reaching out.  We get a lot of questions from one spouse or the other regarding libido or differences in “interest” levels.  Just Ia m being being clear, it sounds like the emotional, spiritual and physical aspects of your intimacy are doing well, it’s your sexual intimacy that is struggling.  Often times we can allow our disinterest to steer our sexuality ship waiting until we “feel” aroused to have sex.  Truth be told, it often works the other way around.  Putting it in a more relatable way, have you ever gone out to eat thinking you weren’t all that hungry but then once you started eating realized you were hungrier than you thought?  Or maybe you weren’t necessarily hungry but enjoyed the pleasure of eating? The more we engage in sexual intimacy and get our chemicals going, the more we produce chemicals that get us going.  The biggest battle can be the “doing” part.

Another important part of this is communicating and talking opening with your spouse about this.  While you both may view the situation differently and there may be hurt or anger involved, it can be even more lonely an isolating to not know why your spouse is disinterested in sex.  It’s important he know that it is not him.  If you are both walking around with this elephant in the room, it would be good to acknowledge it.  You may not get the elephant out right away but at least you can both know the other sees it as well.

If it’s more than just disinterest, here are some other things to consider: Was there ever a time you were interested? Are you wanting to increase your sexuality intimacy but don’t have interest? Have things changed for you since having children? Are there experiences in your relationship that have “turned you off?” Are there things that would turn you on but you are not communicating? Are there things in your history that are unresolved? How comfortable are you with your sexuality and your body?  Are you able to orgasm?  Are you taking time for yourself to reduce your stress?  Is sex painful?

You may consider professional counseling or coaching if you have bigger blocks preventing you from having sex in your relationship.

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